She Made a Good Connection

Some weeks are great for me. I have plans: lunch dates, walking buddies, unwinding with wine and friends, and a date planned with JR.  Other weeks, like this one, I have broken or very few plans, and a lot hours at home.  I start to realize that I only speak in daytime talk shows. "On Oprah/Ellen/The View today..."  I'm hungry and eager for companionship.  Currently, I am sitting in our glider/rocking chair in the living room, with Live with Regis and Kelly on silent, and attempting to put Heidi down for a nap by bouncing her in her bouncy chair.  This usually works, and it takes a lot less effort then walking around and doing squats for 10 minutes. This only works when I'm alone though, I can't take other people hearing her cry!

Every morning when JR leaves he jokingly says to Heidi, "Make good connections."  Well, today she made one! In the midst of having a not very exciting week and feeling rather lonely, Heidi did something to really perk me up---she ate! For a week we had been working on this eating thing, which consists of mixing dry, tiny, baby rice with formula and feeding it to her like a big girl.  The first several attempts were pretty unsuccessful. She'd sit there, smile, but once that food came close to her, she'd get her daddy's worried expression, and keep her lips pursed.  Today, however, she opened her mouth when the spoon came towards her, swallowed, and repeated. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSwglZyRB5I

(She's asleep now, but you better believe, I'm still bouncing with my feet!)

So, she made my day.  Although I will still need to figure out what to do today and keep myself busy, I feel more satisfied becacuse... my baby knows how to eat like a big girl goddamnit!

Teacher becomes Seamstress

It has been 2 years since my last posting, but if you're reading this, hopefully you could have done that simple math without my help. My world has changed. We know have the most adorable baby--affectionately called Heidi Monster. She is 3 1/2 months old. I've quit my job to do the mom thing.

After nearly 4 months of being unemployed, or rather, a "housewife," "stay-at-home-mom" or "domestic technician," I have begun to wander my mind in search of other opportunities I can pursue while staying at home to raise the child. I wouldn't want it any other way, and always knew I'd want to stay home with my children; however, I didn't realize how quickly I'd feel like I'd lost a bit of my sense of self. Who am I now that I'm a stay at home mom? I always thought of myself primarily as a teacher (after daughter, wife, friend, sister, etc), but now, I don't feel comfortable referring to myself as a teacher (since a school doesn't employ me), but now as a mom.

So.... I have decided part of my new, shiny identity will be "seamstress."  With a borrowed sewing machine, as well as all the tools, I've taken up sewing.  JR walked in the other day and said, "It's like a Chinese sweatshop in here."  Not quite, but there does seem to be little pieces of string everywhere, as well as anything little that Dixie (the cat), can easily push off the table. Hopefully in an entry very soon, there will be a link to an etsy site, where some of my pieces can be bought.

What next?

Nearly 10 weeks later and here I am... in one piece no less. 2,000 miles to get here, 18 drives to Ontario (50 mi one way), several presentations, 2 papers, 0 home cooked meals, 2 trips to the beach, 1 visit to Nashville, 3 visits from JR, 6 books read, 0 bike rides, 8 days of teaching 2 hours of summer school, with one final left to go, 2,000 miles to fly, an apartment to pack, 2,000 miles to drive (yes, again), and one comprehensive test to take. That's where I am, approximately, of course.

The summer has gone off without a hitch. It's been done. I have 3 days and one final left before heading back to Nashvegas and pack up the life I used to know to bring it all back to the suspiciously perfect weather and constant culture of California. Although my heart is here, Nashville can only be described as the sweet affair. I attempt to explain this and often get strange looks; however, it seems perfectly logical to me. I will and always will love CA, and though I strayed to Nashville and developed a crush, it still didn't live up to what I thought I always knew... CA is my love. So Nashville will be looked back on fondly, like a summer fling, fun while it lasted but not permanant.

Our lives are changing again. I like that about us. We've only remained constant for 1-2 years at a time and that seems like it will remain the case for us. We both have too much to do--to much we want to do. JR will be a fulltime student. I can't be happier about that! We were not the college couple that we always envied, so it'll be fun to get to do it together this time. Partners are supposed to push each other to do things that scare them, reject the status quo, and as JR and I quickly approach our 3rd anniversary, I can safely and proudly state, that we push each other to be our best selves. We repel down waterfalls and run half-marthons. What next?

The smartest girl in the class

After two years of online learning and on site education at my now former school, I am back in the classroom as a student. Not only am I a student, but I am the smartest girl in the class.

It started out like any other class, high school, college, graduate, doesn't matter. Boredom. Why am I here? I don't like sitting in class listening to someone talk at me in a monotone sort of way which creates a stirring in me that I cannot control. Sit on feet, one foot up on chair, cross legged, now both down, now head resting on hands but my cheeks are getting squished, now straight and tall like all the other grown ups in the room. I look at my watch constantly and realize it's only been 45 minutes. I have potentially 4 1/4 more hours to go. Then panic... I HAVE 4 1/4 MORE HOURS TO GO!! So, I doodle a little, but quickly stop because I hate how my notebook looks when it has doodles in it. I am far to anal for that. My doodles are not pretty enough and my notebook could stay pristine if I keep the doodles out. Then I go to letter writing; however, I have nobody to write a letter to and I feel like a high schooler for sure now.

But then it happens. I realize that I am the smartest girl in the class, and this has never been the case. I hear the groans as she announces a 6-8 paper. Are you kidding me? I can write 6 pages in my sleep. That's nothin! Than I sense every body's anxiety as they are asked a quite simple question and I rise to the occasion. Something I know very little about doing in class. I'm the quiet one usually, the dark horse. Not this time. I have experience that they can't relate to and are in awe of and I for some reason, have the courage, without sweating all over myself, to share it. Who am I? Well, apparently I am the smartest girl in the class.

Am I 17 again?

There have been several times when I thought that I'd never live at home again. The first time of course was moving into my freshman dorm, but we all know that's a pipe dream. Of course you have to move back, you're a freshman. Then there was the summer I moved into an apartment with some friends and aquaintances. Definitely wasn't going to be moving home after that... but I did... for a year! Then I got married, and naturally felt that I would never live with my parents again... but, here I am: married, 24 and livin at home, husbandless!

It's not so bad and quite familiar but not somewhere I thought I'd be, but we're makin it work. JR and I have mastered long distance and although it sucks more now than ever, it's nothing that we can't survive.

Living at home after all these years is funny. You're still the kid, they're still the parents; however, there's comfort in it as well as it's all so familiar. They go to bed, I go online. We drink wine at night together. I have a credit card with their name on it so I can buy them groceries. We watch our shows at night together. It's nostalgic as well. Living at home reminds me of high school and college summers. Calling friends, waiting for people to show up on AIM and making plans in the old stompin' grounds. For now, it's easy and perhaps exactly where I need to be for the summer. Takin it easy so I can focus on getting the masters done, the job secured and a home found before my world gets flipped upside down again with MBA's, new jobs, new homes and perfect weather....
.... but I do miss my family. They'll be here soon!

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a cruel rejection

The job hunt is unnatural. Apply, apply, apply. Rejection, rejection, rejection.

I have hunted for far too many jobs in my itty bitty 3 year career. The most hilarious, and pathetically sad moment in all of my monthes and monthes of job searching must have happened today when a principal accidently wrote me back instead of her colleague. She wrote, "We should write her back and say we aren't interested. What should we do if Carol says no? What about that girl I liked?" What a ridiculously painful and slightly hilarious way to be rejected... on accident through an email I wasn't supposed to see.

It's not natural to be put on the chopping block so many times in a row. People that are rejected when dating--stop dating, avoid the pain. When interviewing there is nothing you can do. Take a hit, bite the bullet, face possible and repeated rejection and then try your best to stand back up and do it all again.

Not a blogger

Don't judge me. I'm not a blogger, never have been, never wanted to be, and never will be. This is just a phase, so I will soon pretend I'm not doing "it".

However, things in the world confuse me. I often need to discuss topics into depth and try to understand life and people and in fact, I know I never will. So here I am. A place to ramble about my wonderings.